Log Update

Slappers

Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Splitsville Slappers 3 2 1 0 8 3 5 7
2 MSC Ladies 3 1 2 0 6 4 2 5
3 Metropolitan Ladies 1 1 0 0 2 0 2 3
4 The Scorpions 2 1 0 1 5 4 1 3
5 F365 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3
6 RCS Ladies 2 0 1 1 3 6 -3 1
7 Bye- No Game 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
8 Lufthansa GTS Blue Dames 3 0 0 3 3 9 -6 0

Rovers

Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 KMG 3 3 0 0 17 4 13 9
2 Splitsville Rovers 3 2 0 1 9 5 4 6
3 Adidas 2 2 0 0 6 2 4 6
4 Lufthansa GTS Blue Cranes 3 2 0 1 11 8 3 6
5 Allan Gray 3 1 0 2 9 11 -2 3
6 MWeb 1 0 0 1 2 4 -2 0
7 Booksite Afrika 3 0 0 3 4 12 -8 0
8 Investec Asset Management 2 0 0 2 1 13 -12 0
2009
03/03
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ANOUNCEMENT OF THE SPLITSVILLE SLAPPERS 09’

(Commentators: Mike Wizouski & Frank Calhone)

Frank: It is that time of the year again folks.

Mike: That’s right Frank, The SuperSport Corporate Legue is upon us. And Coach Romburgh who has been very secretive throughout pre-season training is about to announce the ladies that will make up the team he has hand picked to represent SPLITSVILLE FC™.

We are live at The Fairmont Oval in a very warm Durbanville awaiting the names of the players who will form this squad. I’m Mike Wizouski,

Frank: And I am Frank Calhone, and we will be your commentators for this evening, brining you the biggest news in Football – First.

And without further a due the moment we have all been waiting for. The first slapper to take her place in the 2009 squad and head the team as captain is, drum roll please Mike…

Mike drrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Frank Is TAMRIN KOORZEN – After an awesome ending to last season, coach Romburgh is spot on with this call. Her ability to keep team mates tempers in check is a vital key in this team’s makeup.

Mike Absolutely Frank, even though Romburgh has always had a soft spot for her, it is a well deserved appointment, and I know she will do this side proud, and you cannot deny that her team mates love her.

Frank So that is 1 player down another 8 to go. The next lady joining the Slappers with Koorzen is none other than NATALIE WILLEMSE. As always she will be picking up the “flack at the back” in goals.

Mike She has a great record for keeping the balls away from the back of the net. Let’s hope she keeps her slate as clean as in previous seasons….

Frank I don’t think it is possible to get any cleaner than that Mike? She is unbelievable! But talking about unbelievable this next player had a heck of a season last year. It’s the ever graceful and unstoppable LAUREN KRIGE

Mike Sorry to correct you there Frank, I believe she just go hitched to the Rovers number 8, Craig Turnbull.

Frank Well that’s a shame, there go my chances with her.

Mike Hahaha…I don’t think she will waste her time with a right plonker like you Frank. Ladies like that prefer men with Hollywood looks like Craig’s.

Frank They certainly will make a handsome couple. Lauren was the top goal scorer last season. She has a phenomenal right boot that is a constant menace to the opposition.

Mike This next young lady is still a rookie amongst the slappers as she made her debut last season, but her talent showed that she is essential in this team. The player is none other than ASHLEY “The Foot” FOOT. This girl is an absolute superstar Frank.

Frank You got that right Mike, a superstar AND a cheeky little minx too. Her constant trash talk about the opponents keeps the team in hysterics.

Mike I definitely think she stands out as the trash talker of the team, but I don’t think that any of them are innocent Frank, especially not Slapper NATALIE BARRETT who will also be joining the Slappers 09 team. What a magnificent mid-fielder she is, and an asset to this team in more ways than one. Do you remember the Slapper’s number 3, Carreen Swanepoel?

Frank The one Coach Romburgh sold to team Noah from the South?

Mike Yes, that’s the one. Well Carreen was always the mother figure of the team and after her departure Natalie took on that roll, and she has taken it on well.

Frank Yes she has Mike. It’s amazing that she has been a Slapper for as long as most of the players in the team, but she plays as if she is a veteran with years of experience behind her. An absolute gem to have in the team!

Mike Speaking about gems, this team seems to be full of them. The next gem added to this star studded line up is OLIVIA SHAW, AKA “The Livvinator”. The only thing you can say about Miz Shaw is WOW.

Frank Wow indeed, she is one of the strongest defenders I’ve seen in a long time. No wonder Natalie Willemse has such a clean record, they have to get past “The Livvinator” first.

Mike Hahaha…I love that…”The Livvinator”. What a fantastic nick name for her, but I suppose if the stiletto fits wear it, right? Did you hear about the incident last season where “The Livvinator” was sent off for bringing down her opponent, and when I say bringing down I mean, down, face in the dirt down.

Frank Yes, that was hilarious to watch. The way the slappers were applauding I thought they had scored a goal. Hahaha, good times.

Mike Yes, good time. And hopefully there will be many more moments just like that one.

Frank Well with this next player there it is definitely a possibility, TARYN CASTLE, referred to as Rubbish by most of her team. This nickname is a great achievement amongst Splitsville FC™ as it is stated in section 4 of Act 5 in The Splitsville Acceptable Use Policy that “Playing hard, Partying hard, Getting fired up and throwing name is part of the Splitsville parcel!” And Taryn does it with such ease, that she has been named the new Slappers manager for 2009. Splitsville FC™ can be proud to have her representing them.

But, next on the list is none other than the Lamb of the team…LEIGH RHODES…

Mike Sorry Frank, but why the Lamb of the team???

Frank Well she is dating Beef, so I tried to come up with something meaty, and I didn’t want to call her pork or she might get offended so I came up with Lamb.

Mike hahaha…That’s very…Lamb…I mean Lame

Frank Well whatever you want to call her, but she is one hot piece of meat. She is amazing at applying pressure in the mid-field, and she isn’t afraid of getting hard no matter how big her opponent.

Mike Well that brings us to the last Slapper to make up this team of superstars. The next lady is to make her debut as a Slapper this season is AIMEE HILL, Coach Romburgh has just bought Aimee from The Darkside, for what was rumoured to be quite a hefty fee. But my sources tell me that it was well worth it and that Aimee is very talented and has taken everyone by surprise with her deft ball skills and the team is very excited about having her onboard.

Frank It is always fantastic to welcome a new face. And Aimee is still young and to be able to put Splitsville on your resume is quite an accomplishment, any club in the world will welcome a Slapper with open arms.

Mike Wow, wow, wow!!! What a team. We have the Natalies, the Livvinator, Tamrin, Ashley, Lauren, Leigh, Rubbish and new comer Aimee Hill. This team looks to be unstoppable!!!

Frank Unstoppable is quite right Mike. Well thanks for joining us folks, and don’t forget to tune in on Monday 16/02/09 for the first match of the season against MSC Ladies. That’s all from me Frank…

Mike And me Mike. Bringing you the biggest news in Football – First!

2009
02/16
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Splitsville (2) VS The Firm (0) – 25/11/2008

Where, oh where do I begin??? The day started out as any other for the Slappers, their mental preparation always in high gear on match day, as expected from a world class team. What was not expected was a group e-mail sent to the slappers by the teams leader in the research and investigation unit, Tamrin “I might be your friend on facebook, but I actually hate you” Koorzen whom uncovered a vital piece of information which she knew would push the slappers to, as the great Terry Tate would say, “Bring on the Pain!!!!” in the game ahead against the Firm.

The efforts by the clever little minx, Tamrin worked just as she has cunningly plotted out. The mails poured in from slappers ready to make the firms blood spew on to the dust that is The Hellenic Greek Sports Clubs Field. Distasteful, and in true slapper manor, unrepeatable hate mail was all in the general direction of the oppositions Keeper Leeanne “UBERGIMP” Nelson whom was heard saying and I quote “Leeanne is taking the Splitsville Slappers Down!!!”  (Oh no she didn’t, the only thing she could take down is her finger down her throat…being skinny will not compensate for an ugly face Biatch!!!)

The slappers, feeling some what sorry for the firm and the assault that they were about to receive, made their way onto the field. As the game commenced the Slappers dominated, putting a lot of pressure on the opposition’s defense. In the third minute of the game the slappers had a shot at goal which was deflected back into play by their keeper Gimp Nelson only for Taryn “Rubbish” Castle to make her presence known on the field and boot the ball past the Gimp into the bottom right corner of the goal box. Unlucky for the firm 1-0 down and nothing was getting past Natalie Barrett, who was so angry at the firms comments that she saw red, or it could have been her burst blood vessel, no one knows, but whatever the reason it kept her on top of her game!

Tamrin the Terrier and Ashley the foot were quite a pair upfront, with deft crosses to one another they unraveled the firms confidence one thread at a time. And Leigh “I pulled your boyfriend” Rhodes intimidated her opponents not only with her looks but with her killer skills on the pitch, unfortunately Leigh wore a ball to the snorkel and was sidelined only to come back stronger than before. But due to extreme heat and dehydration the slappers began to tire, as the half time whistle blew the relief could be seen on all the faces of the beauties in pink. But the half time huddle was like no other, Coach Romburgh had done is home work and taking some tips from his Mrs, he once again ignited the flame of fury towards the Firm by bring out a secret weapon, a picture, nay master piece drawn by Rubbish (See Attachment) was all it took to get the slappers into warrior mode once again. The last thing that went through the figurative mind of the picture was Lauren “the boot” Krige’s studs and sadly the original picture has been put to rest along with the firms’ pride.

The second half got under way, when all of a sudden there was almost an entire team of new faces, which meant fresh legs. The underhanded tactics of the firms coach in bribing the ref to turn a blind eye has been reported to FIFA. And to the disappointment of the firms coach this only fed the slappers fury. Again their coach tried to dishearten the slappers by shouting obscenities from the side line, but he did not expect to be quickly hushed by the razor sharp tongue of Rubbish Castle, the word is he fled to the safety of his vehicle fearing his life! Unsportsmanlike conduct from one of the firms players, (dubbed Pepper Anne the man by Ashley) toward Livvy “Our hero” Shaw enraged livvy to such and extreme that in one swift move the first player she saw from the other team had their head rammed into the dust. Unfortunately Livvy was given a yellow card minutes before the game was to end, but she was heard saying “Luckily I was sent off just before full time because if I had to go back out their id make all those fucking skanks eat dust!”

With only five players on the field and time running out the firm tried to get a goal past Keeper Natalie “the criminal chaser” Willemse, but she kept her kitchen clean with deft saves. The ball was passed up field by old Red eye Barrett, when out of no where “the boot” Lauren Krige smashed a left footed volley past their keeper in one of the best goals we have seen all season. The fans roared, even the firms fans roared for the slappers as the final whistle was blew. Outshone, outdone and outsmarted by the slappers the firms players left the field with their heads so low it was said it looked as though they were munching their own rugs!

Congrats to all the slappers, you played your hearts out and deserve the plate. I cannot wait to grace our pink socks again with you next season.
Castle 17
Read it, love it, LIVE THE DREAM!

2008
11/28
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Leeanne “UBERGIMP” Nelson receives the wrath of the slappers.

The Firm

2008
11/28
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Monday 17/11/2008 – A night to be remembered.

As the game commenced it was evident that the Slappers were very
apprehensive after having already faced the MSC side in a 2-0 defeat just 2
weeks prior to this match. (The metaphoric lacerations still fresh in the
Slappers minds). And the absenteeism of fellow Slapper Leigh “boot camp”
Rhodes made the team in Pink feel the added pressure.

But as per usual coach Romburgh had wise words for the Pink beauts “Just go
out there and have fun!” And with those 7 words a glimmer of hope shone in
the eyes of all the Slappers, with brave faces they made there way to the
pitch.

Slappers captain Tamrin Koorzen won the toss and chose to play with the
wind. As the game wore on, the Slappers got into the groove of things. A
solid wall of defence by Livvy “veggie chips” Shaw and Natalie “Please let
the bags break my fall” Barrett kept play in the Slappers half giving
Natalie “I might have fallen down the stairs at Tiger” Willemse a chance to
catch up on some light reading in her goal box.

The right side of the pitch was in an awful shape, as it hasn’t seen the
likes of a lawn mower for the better part of a decade. This wasn’t going to
stop Tamrin “never give up” Koorzen from chasing down numerous balls into
the thick rough, disappearing all together at times. Coach Romburgh comment
to this was “I have every bit of confidence in Tamrin, she has years of
experience in these situations, as she also disappears when looking for my
balls in my long grass.” But despite the appalling terrain Tamrin always
emerged victorious with deft crosses to and eager Taryn “Rubbish” Castle
and Ashley “the Foot” Foot….Ummmm…Ashley “The” Foot with these two
strikingly beautiful strikers nailing numerous balls at goals the opposing
teams keeper was heard saying “Shoo! Now I know what a tjommie feels like
with balls hitting it the whole time!”

The first half ended with a 0-0 score. In the half time huddle coach
Romburghs words added to the slappers excitement of not having concede a
goal “Keep it up” were his words, putting more excitement into the team
than a sing star movie night with wine ever could!

After re-hydrating the second half took off. It was clear that MSC were
feeling vulnerable as they lost all composure and where trying to boot each
ball at the goals, which gave Natalie “who is probably missing a toe nail
now” Barrett the opportunity to send the ball far up field to an awaiting
Rubbish whom with a deft touch passed back to Lauren “The Boot” Krige who
toe punted the ball into the bottom right corner of the goal box. The
cheers of the Slappers and there loyal fans were heard for miles, even the
crane operators at the stadium said they were fearful that the sound waves
would knock them off their cranes.

The Slappers were 1-0 up and eager to hold on to the lead. MSC were trying
their utmost to come up with a goal. But wasted their oppurtunities because
of hasty plays which lead to their fumbling round goal keeper Natalie, whom
even after injuring herself during our warm up run managed to keep the ball
out of the box, disheartening the MSC side which had by now lost all
composure, relying solely on tiny number 5 player “the jack russel”, who’s
eyebrows after close examination hadn’t seen a tweezer just as long as the
pitch hadn’t seen a mower… but hard tackles and deft play kept the number
5 at bay. The final whistle blew and it was all over the Slappers were
victorious; it was a well deserved win which proved that the Slappers have
what it takes to take to win the plate.

A celebratory meal of pies, chicken wraps, salads and veggie chips were
enjoyed by all.

Castle 17
Read it, love it, LIVE THE DREAM!

2008
11/18
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SPLITSVILLE TOWER ABOVE “THE BLUE CRANE”

D.C SNOEK

 

SPLITSVILLE ROVERS (2) vs. BLUE CRANE (0)

 

I’m going to start with an apology to all Splitsville fans. I’m sorry, but if I read the dictionary from cover to cover, I still wouldn’t be able to find the words that describe the sheer joy and emotion of last nights game. Despite turbulent winds, the crowds once again piled in to observe the marvel that is Splitsville.

 

A quick recap of the season is perhaps in order.  The Rovers had a relatively good start to the season with a few vital wins early on.  Constant late winter rains prohibited The Rovers from progressing with momentum, and a few hurdles were tripped over near the halfway point of the season. In true Splitsville style, they managed to deftly pick themselves up from a few very disappointing results, and end the season with three imperative wins on the trot, to take them to Champions League play-offs.

 

The announcement of Monday evening’s team was the first shocker of the day, with some regular starters having to undergo fitness tests.  Crab Turnbull experienced extreme back pains during the week and sidelined himself for the crucial fixture.  Some would argue that his grit, determination and moral values seemed to be lacking, but who are we to judge…..

Dean Ellis and Lance Barrett managed to pass very late fitness tests and proved to be crucial spokes in the Splitsville Wheel.  Ellis suffered acute Breederiverlitis over the weekend, and with severe nausea, was doubtful for the Monday night fixture.

 

Splitsville opted for an orthodox 1-2-3 formation, and gambled with starting 4th choice Goalkeeper, Allan Topper between the sticks. Correctly timed substitutions, flowing midfield movement and pig-headed defence, were the three game breaking attributes displayed by the Orange and Black Army.  A few missed opportunities up front, and one or two pressing saves, took the two sides to a 0-0 stalemate at the halftime whistle.

 

Waiting for the start to the second half, the two sides squared up visibly starving for a win.  With the keeper gloves swopped and the wind swirling, the half got off to a frantic start.  Some telling tackles and well timed through balls tilted the see-saw Splitsville’s way.  Barring one or two stray passes, the midfield worked superbly shifting defence into attack.  Midway through the second half, Splitsville assumed control by going ahead with a clinical put-away from Lance “Golden Boot” Barrett.  Good interplay between Jones and Barrett, kept the Blue Crane defence at 6’s and 7’s.  With a gammy ankle, Russell Smedley assisted in a few “fluid like” movements up the right flank.  Keeping his goal mouth remarkably tidy, Beefy Harding sternly commanded his team mates into the firing line.  Bullet like throw-ins from Gazza Swart, caused continuous headaches for the Blue Crane keeper. 

Splitsville then decided to put the outcome beyond doubt by scoring another superbly worked goal, 10 minutes from full time. Lorry Romburgh received a switch-of-play throw-in from Topper, and intelligently slipped the ball through to a waiting Barrett.  Barrett impulsively got his snap shot away which was fortuitously deflected by the Blue Crane keeper.  No invite was needed for Llew Jones to get on the end of it, and clean up the goal mouth tussle. 

 

Splitsville now 2-0 up brought an Italian like dogged attitude to their defence, through what they like to call their “Russolillo influence”. Blue Crane became increasingly irritable, and their fans and players succumbed to the pressure that Romburgh, Ellis, Swart and Russolillo constantly applied in the middle of the park.

 

“Not even Ty Pennington could have moved that bus”, was what was heard come from a local talent scout. 

 

Splitsville Rovers have found their way to a semi final fixture and are rumoured to be a possible 3 wins away from a fully paid trip to Johannesburg to compete in the national Play-Offs.  The semi final match versus Adidas FC, which will find Rovers without a few integral players, will be held next Monday, and is sure to be an unforgettable scuffle.

 

 

DC Snoek

Read it, love it, LIVE THE DREAM!

2008
11/11
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Golden Boot – Top 10

Lance Paul Barrett Splitsville 10
Gerald Stober Metropolitan Cpt 10
Arthur Kewane Metropolitan Cpt 8
Aaron Marinus ITS 8
Oscar Sanders TeamTalk.com 7
Chad Newton The Blue Crane 7
Ben Saunders TeamTalk.com 7
Donnie Jacobs KMG 6
Warren Parsley RCS Group 5
Simeon Samuels Metropolitan Cpt 5
2008
10/30
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Slappers

2008
10/07
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Splitsville Roster

  Game 1 Game 2 Game 3 Game 4 Game 5 Game 6 Game 7 Game 8 Game 9
ALLAN         Keeper     Keeper  
LANCE                 Keeper
LLEWELLYN     Keeper Keeper          
RUSS           Keeper      
CRAIG                 Keeper
DEAN   Keeper         Keeper    
LORRY Keeper       Keeper   Keeper    
MARCO               Keeper  
GAZ   Keeper              
BEEFY Keeper         Keeper      
2008
10/06
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LOG TABLE – WEEK 2

Rovers:

Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Metropolitan 2 2 0 0 11 3 8 6
2 Splitsville 2 2 0 0 6 2 4 6
3 TeamTalk.com 1 1 0 0 5 0 5 3
4 Fairbridges Attorneys 2 1 0 1 4 3 1 3
5 GRS Wednesday 2 1 0 1 6 6 0 3
6 MSC CPT 2 1 0 1 5 5 0 3
7 KMG 2 1 0 1 6 6 0 3
8 Hedron 1 0 0 1 2 4 -2 0
9 Investec Asset Management 2 0 0 2 2 9 -7 0
10 Those Guys Again 2 0 0 2 1 10 -9 0

Slappers:

Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Flying Wolves 2 2 0 0 7 0 7 6
2 Metropolitan Ladies 2 2 0 0 6 1 5 6
3 The Scorpions 2 2 0 0 5 1 4 6
4 Old Mutual Ladies 1 1 0 0 6 0 6 3
5 MSC Ladies 2 0 0 2 1 3 -2 0
6 Splitsville Ladies 2 0 0 2 0 4 -4 0
7 RCS Ladies 1 0 0 1 1 5 -4 0
8 The Firm Ladies 2 0 0 2 0 12 -12 0
2008
09/23
CATEGORY
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